ngoziu:

Day 2, 7:47pm

(Hi, Agent Coulson! I’m pretty sure you’re only person reading this. Look! Cats!)

So this is coming out of a combination gas station-Taco Bell fifty miles south of Lafayette, Lousiana. The sun is setting and fourteen hours ago I was on an invisible spy helicarrier somewhere above Massachusetts. One moment—intense spy stuff and flying in helicopters to land on bigger helicopters, and then boom. Taco Bell. C’est la badass vie, motherfuckers.

Outside, in the gas station part of this combination gas station-Taco Bell, one of the smartest men on earth is topping off the government-issued, but distinctly Bruce-requested bright red Prius that we picked up in Baton Rogue two hours ago. Two booths behind me, a severely overweight couple seems to have ordered a dozen chalupas. Sitting in front of me, Loki, the actual Norse god of mischief, is glaring at a box of Taco Bell nachos.

They aren’t his. They’re mine. But this does not matter because Loki stares down at them with what I imagine is a quiet rage. Loki hates my nachos. He hates them and everything they stand for.

I don’t really know what I was expecting with Loki. He hasn’t said a single word to me or Bruce since he popped up with his dad and Thor back at SHIELD. (Jane was there and so were the rest of the Avengers and there was an actual GROUP HUG.)

Bruce is honking at us. I really wanted to see those people eat all those chalupas.

Okay this is a little thing I wrote to work on improving my narrative voice starring my supernatural buddy cop without the cop part duo.

Bless Your Heart

I learned soon enough, living with Jameson that anytime he opened a sentence with ‘bless your heart’ that nothing kind was going to be said. It was part of how he was, wrapping up a negative inside a clean little phrase like that as if it might cushion the blow or forewarn the victim that he was going to speak some truths at you. The first time Jameson had said it to me was after I had first started living with him. I tried doing the laundry and fucked up in a major way, the way that gets shown in cheap half hour sitcoms. I added too much detergent (who the hell uses powdered detergent these days anyways) and then to add insult to injury I left a candy cane red shirt in with a mess of whites. When he came back to the laundry room flooded with soap suds and a collection of pristine white work shirts dyed a soft shade of pink.

Well Jameson stared at that mess, stared at me while I was trying my best to figure out if I wanted to laugh or sink into the ground. Then, with as straight a face as you would ever see he said it. “Vinh, bless your heart, you are dumber than a box of rocks.” After saying that he showed me the right way to do laundry, told me he’d castrate me if I put colors in with the whites ever again. The funniest part was that Jameson was so damn cheap that he didn’t replace the pinkified work shirts. He wore them under his sweater vests and gave no shits about whether or not they properly matched.

Personally I liked them.

Guess who just smashed their big toe at the grocery store?

Ew my big toe is a mess of blood and cracked nail now

vastderp:

thetalee reblogged your post: thetalee reblogged your post: J.K. Rowling has…

Oh god just imagine if JK and GRRM collaborated together

slytherin wins the house cup every year no matter what honors the other Houses earn. hermione ends up married to snape against her will by book 3. dobby is burned alive and his sacrifice brings voldemort back from the brink of death. harry raises an army of centaurs and brings them across the sea to invade hogwarts and take back the quidditch pitch that is rightfully his by birth.

Draco Malfoy gets slapped by Professor Flitwick no fewer than 9 times, and eventually gets a cauldron of Skele-Gro dumped over his head when he won’t stop whining about his father’s high position in the government.

dumbledore spends every evening eating buttered unborn puppies and lemon cakes with pumpkin juice, laughing raucously at the antics of the students as grease runs down into his beard and his cheeks turn purple with mirth. All around him the hufflepuffs and ravenclaws argue about who got the rawest deal in the partitioning of the Hogwarts student body, and elect no fewer than four Head Boys from among their number.

Cedric Diggory almost unites the Houses in an unprecedented sweep of politics and martial prowess, but is expelled when he is caught snogging a Gryffindor in the hall during arithmancy class, and dies of the shame.

…and each night, the walloping willow sends forth its blue-eyed wights…